I’m not really sure what’s going on. I was doing so well, and then last night I just kind of took an unexpected plunge.
Even yesterday I was doing well - excited, even - until I came home to my apartment. Then my apathy/jadedness/burn out on life hit me all at once and I just felt really disconnected. I think I pissed my buddy Joe off because I told him I was upset (we’d been talking all night) but I wouldn’t tell him why. I just kind of shut down on him and went to sleep. I don’t even have the energy to recite everything I’ve been feeling and why. On top of that, it’s like I’m not even sure what I’m feeling. But I do know that my anxiety has been making it worse. I tried telling my roommate the other day that I was anxious, and not in the “sometimes I’m nervous” kind of way. Full out I’m scared of everything and I can’t control it. It’s awful and crippling.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, which is weird, because since school started, I’ve been keeping to a pretty rigid sleep schedule and it’s never hard for me to get to sleep. When I did finally fall asleep, I only fell asleep for maybe four hours, and curiously, I woke up sweating and to something that I thought was breathing on my arm/licking it.
….we don’t have a dog, and the cat my roommate had that would wake me up sometimes has been dead for months.
I scrambled to look around thinking it was a rat or something, but I didn’t find anything. I’m pretty sure I was hallucinating, because not long after, I had the distinct feeling that big things were crawling all over me/breathing on me. I know this definitely wasn’t a dream. I experienced a few hot flashes in about 20 degree weather, too, and my asthma kicked up so I was struggling to breathe.
I fell back asleep about three hours later (I swear to god it felt like half an hour - my perception of time must’ve been really fucked up, too), and I had one of the most traumatizing dreams I’ve ever had. For those of you who’ve read about my dreams/have heard about them, you’ll know that most of them are traumatic as it is.
Putting a violence and rape trigger here, because it gets a little fucked up.
I remember going to some sort of school (I think it was supposed to be the school I’m going to now, but it looked nothing like my university) and being called to what I think was the registrar’s office. On my way there, I noted a wolf or some such feral animal hunting a rabbit or something, but I didn’t think anything of it, given that the setting was grassy and sort of Nebraska/plains-ish.
It starts to get a little fuzzy, here.
The first time around, a larger girl stops me and beats the shit out of me. I’m not sure what for. I’m leaning toward because she was jealous of my interaction with a guy she liked, but I’m not sure if I’m making that up or not. I screamed and thrashed, but I didn’t hit her back. I was more passive than I was defensive. I remember feeling my nose getting broken right at the bridge, and then I passed out.
The second time around, I was obviously wary. Except this time, I was jumped by a guy probably two or three times my size. No one helped me. I don’t really remember what happened this time, but when I came to, I was naked and pale and cut and bruised in the registrar’s office. Apparently inside there were councilors and they’d taken me in, but they weren’t very sympathetic. I was curled up on a chair and totally unresponsive. The councilors were trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t really hear them. I was somewhere really far away. I felt empty. Totally devoid. It was distressing.
It didn’t happen in real life, but it was so vivid that it might as well have.
Some time later, I’m in a small conference/court room with my family, a few teachers I had back in high school, their families, and other people I wasn’t familiar with/didn’t recognize.
Victims like me are informed that we were part of a longitudinal psychological experiment (and an incredibly fucked up one, at that). Most of the teachers had set them up and were performing them. Each teacher that was assigned to someone went up to the witness stand and explained what it was they were trying to accomplish with their test subject, and what ended up happening. There were some really horrifying cases, but no one except the victim/test subject seemed to be taking them seriously. I remember my own family being incredibly obnoxious and treating it all as a joke.
When my case came up, my old history teacher/World Religions teacher came up to the witness stand. I was disgusted, because he’s a teacher I really liked and trusted, and for him to do something like this was totally against his nature. It totally destroyed my trust. In real life, he’s a really humane, mellow guy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him angry.
He prefaced my case by saying that he didn’t expect what happened to happen, that in providing me with weapons, I would use them because I was like Fox Mulder, wasn’t I? Of course I was - I was incredibly resolute in my beliefs, and though I was fairly easy going, I wouldn’t hesitate to shoot my gun if I thought the situation called for it. I wouldn’t have let what happened to me happen to me.
Except I wasn’t provided any weapons when it happened.
And then I woke up. But I woke up thinking, “no, I didn’t fight back at all. I didn’t carry myself with grace or strength. I didn’t recover like he thought I would. I folded in on myself, traumatized by what happened, and gave up, because I’m weak-willed.”
Whatever that’s supposed to mean. I think I need to see a therapist.